Why Are We Afraid To Let Go Of Toxic People?
3:32 PM
Earlier this week I posted a blog titled "Body Positivity: How We Grew to Resent the Movement We Created", and it was received in a way I never anticipated. The day I finished writing it my fiancé had to pump me up three times before I finally found the nerve to click "publish". Quite honestly, I thought people were going to hate it or my intent might be misconstrued.
I was wrong.
The morning after I posted it, I was flooded with comments and messages of complete support. I opened direct message after direct message on Instagram expecting expletive filled rants, but they never appeared. My post was shared on so many accounts I lost track and, at the time I'm writing this, has been viewed almost 1600 times which is pretty exciting for a blog that's only one month old.
But I couldn't help but feel a bit dejected at the same time. I knew people were feeling really disenfranchised, which was my whole point of writing what I did. I, however, did not realize quite how deep this went.
Emotions ranged from angry:
To disappointed:
To feeling a sense of pressure to support problematic "role models":
(This person opted to remain anonymous)
While I understood the first two emotions, I couldn't quite wrap my head around the last sentiment. It popped up in quite a few messages I read. When I asked people why they felt like they had to support accounts they didn't identify with anymore the responses ranged from "I'm too afraid to speak up" to "I think [they] track [their] followers and I don't want to deal with confrontation if [they] notice I unfollowed".
For example, many people have noticed other accounts rephrasing or, in some cases, blatantly plagiarizing their posts or those of people they know. They don't necessarily have a problem with these folks summarizing or quoting their words as long as due credit is given. But the fact that certain accounts pass off the work of others as their own in the hopes no one will notice is a rightful bone of contention with some. "One time is a mistake, but I've had to say something to [them] on many occasions. It's frustrating and it doesn't feel like a mistake anymore." someone wrote in a message to me.
Even going back to 2013/2014, people in the bopo community felt compelled to support troublesome figures. Many women at this time had latched on to a male body positive activist who regularly publicly championed feminism and good body image. Everyone thought his poetic posts about women were the epitome of sweetness and he quickly amassed thousands of followers who saw him as the quintessential "good guy". But then stories of how he would push the lines of friendship to areas of romantic attachment started to surface from at least six or seven ladies. It wasn't just upsetting that he had been having the same types of conversations with multiple women, but that he had seemingly preyed on women who were still in the midst of dealing with self esteem issues. To them it felt like he had conned them into believing a legitimate relationship was imminent only to pull the rug out from under them when they finally let their guards down. A slow rumble of discontent towards him began to emanate, but other than the scorned women he allegedly toyed with, no one spoke up to denounce the popular wolf in sheep's clothing they thought they knew. He did, however, disappear from Instagram for some time only to resurface on a newly created account which has gone through semi-regular name changes.
But why do we have such a hard time standing up for ourselves or against actions and behaviors we know are wrong?
I was trying to rationalize it solely from an internet perspective and came to the simple conclusion that we're afraid. For some of us, we've been outcasts because of our weight or looks our whole lives. We've been aching for years to find some place in a world that has always told us we're inadequate. We search in the wrong places suffering abuse and heartaches in the process, and then all of a sudden we find it! We find tens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people who prop us up and make us feel important for the first time! But then one day we read/see something from someone we considered a friend, or idolized even, that rubs us the wrong way. We know in our hearts it goes against our moral compass and we should speak up, but we don't. Or we do, but not so much as to really rock the boat. And why is that? Because we're afraid of losing the one thing or place in the world that has given us a sense of purpose and validity. If we call out the behavior of someone, and it blows up in our face, we're afraid of being excommunicated from the community. If we don't have that safe space, then some of us might be stuck with our real life close minded friends and families who don't understand our struggles with self acceptance.
But I think it goes even further than that. In some cases we're just bad with confrontation, so we accept being bullied or stepped on.
From my earliest memory around the age of 4 until I was 13, I was physically abused by my mother. I was regularly punched, whipped, kicked, choked, and had inanimate objects thrown at me, but to this day I feel like the emotional abuse I went through was far worse. It ranged from fairly minor things like name calling to really heavy comments like expressing her desire for me to have been the child she miscarried about a year after my birth. Bruises, cuts, and scrapes heal in a timely manner. Emotional bruises can take years assuming they ever fully heal. It took me almost a decade to tell ANYONE what was going on. I was far too afraid of what the consequences would be if no one supported me. I let it go on and on, suffering abuse after abuse, until one day I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't going to be a victim any longer. I wasn't going to allow this toxic person to retain space they didn't deserve in my life. I'm 25 years old now and I haven't had contact with my mother in just under 12 years.
Now some people have said I'm too cold and maybe it's time to mend fences. To these people I usually say, "I'm not a glutton for punishment". I can say with absolute certainty that I am so much more physically and emotionally healthy at this point in my life, than I would have been if I let her linger about. I didn't enjoy what I went through going up, nor would I recommend it for others, but it instilled in me a cutthroat sense of self respect. If someone doesn't have a positive presence in my life or help me grow as a person, I find it easy to disassociate myself from them. It doesn't matter if it's in real life or online, or if the general consensus of my decision would be viewed as unpopular. I am not a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise, and neither are you.
If someone shows themselves to be a negative presence in your life after repeated chances, maybe it's time to consider they don't need to be a part of it. Whether it's a friend of some kind, a significant other, a family member, an authority figure, etc. it is perfectly acceptable to make the decision you would be better off without them. I understand the element of fear surrounding speaking up, confrontation, and potential loneliness but all of these are temporary experiences. What lasts is the feeling of self respect you maintain for standing up for yourself and what's right.
You don't deserve to have your work stolen. You don't deserve to have your emotions played with. You don't deserve to be put down and intimidated. You don't deserve to have your voice silenced. And if someone is actively displaying hurtful behavior, maybe they don't deserve you.
Know your worth, take a stand when needed, and never forget that you are magical.
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